Helping parents of LGBTQ kids get to acceptance

Author hopes her book, "My Son Wears Heels: One Mom's Journey — From Clueless to Kickass," serves as a resource and comfort for parents as they come to understand their LGBTQ child.

By Nancy Simon

Chicago Tribune

September 26, 2016

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Waiting for his mom to read him a bedtime story, Harry asked, "How do you know I am a boy?"

Harry's mom gave the default answer followed by a question of her own, "Because boys have a penis and girls have a vagina. … That's an interesting question; what made you think of it?"

Harry, just 2 years old at the time, proclaimed, "Inside my head, I am a girl," according to his mom, Julie Tarney, blogger and author of "My Son Wears Heels: One Mom's Journey — From Clueless to Kickass" (University of Wisconsin Press)

She said that although she was unsure of what her son was trying to express, she attempted to sound upbeat and told him that it was great that he knew that about himself. Tarney said she didn't want her son to feel bad about himself or his question.

It was 1992, and Tarney and her family were living in Milwaukee. She said she could not find any resources to help her understand what her child was feeling.

"I looked into Dr. Spock's book and 'What to Expect When You Are Expecting' and was horrified, for all I found were gender stereotypes," said Tarney.

With limited support, Tarney said that Harry, now a creative director at a photography studio in New York, became her teacher.

"Harry always knew who he was … a gender creative kid. He helped me balance my worries and fears, so that I was not robbed of the present moments, just being with my kid."

By examining her own expectations and beliefs, Tarney, 65, was able to get at the root of her initial discomfort.

She said she hopes her book serves as a resource and comfort for parents as they come to understand their child, regardless of where he or she falls along the LGBTQ spectrum.

"Children's growth and development are not linear. Rather, they are wide and far-reaching. ... Each one's path is as unique and individual as their fingerprints," Tarney said.

Some parents go through a gradual process to attain acceptance, said Donna Mills, a licensed counselor who works with LGBTQ clients.

"Initially, parents may go through a grief phase when a child comes out. Hopefully, after a period of mourning and working through what they don't understand, the parent(s) come to realize it's OK; it still is my child," said Mills.

She said her daughter Lissa told her she was a lesbian when she was 25.

If parents cannot immediately be supportive, Mills recommends LGBTQ young people find someone who is open and affirming with whom they can comfortably talk.

Researchers and clinical professionals concur that acceptance for LGBTQ youth is paramount. 

Whether they have support or not can dramatically affect their happiness in life.

Betty Guilfoile, a grant writer in Chicago, is the parent of twins — Tess, 25, a lesbian, and Johnny (formerly Genevieve), a transgendered female.

"The most important thing kids need is to feel accepted and have friends," said Guilfoile. 

"Research indicates the outcomes are more successful for LGBTQ kids who have support," she said. She recalled that when Johnny came out, she and her husband told him that they loved and accepted him, despite their apprehension.

Acceptance and love from family, though, is just the beginning. Society's attitude brings its own challenges.

"With all the progress in the way of fairness and advocacy, you would think our work is done. But (the shooting in June at a gay nightclub in Orlando, Fla.) was a reality check. To change cultural attitudes in the hearts and minds of society about diversity, there remains a need for more work," said Jody Huckaby, executive director of PFLAG, which supports education and advocacy of friends, family and allies of the LGBTQ community.

Huckaby said discomfort, resistance, conflicts with faith or religion, societal values and political views are reasons that acceptance may be difficult for many people.

"Sometimes, people simply don't have the words to show they understand," said Huckaby. "To help overcome these and other challenges, we train volunteers to meet the individual where they are and, as a critical piece of our philosophy, do not push them to walk too quickly but walk with them in their journey."

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