Tears of Silence

When the Heart Can No Longer Hold Back The Tears

David Moorman

10/16/2016

________________________________________________________________________________ 

For years I have done my best to be the BEST I CAN be in other people's eyes. I have tried my best to please everyone else, even when it meant putting how I felt aside, just to feel like I belong. I have said things that I think will make others happy, things that sometimes I did not agree with in my own heart. All I ever wanted was to feel like I was someone special. I know I know I have heard it so many times, that I am someone special. Yes, words words they are just words. Know one really knows what goes on in the heart and head of another, unless that person decides to open up and let you in. Then it is not always what is really going on inside, but rather a false sense of what you want others to feel about you.

I have for so long ignored the hurtful words of family and even friends, just laughing them off as "Oh they really didn't mean it" all the while knowing deep inside how much the hurt from those words have been burning me up inside. I have felt for so long now that I am slowly dying from all the hurt and bitterness that I thought was gone, but now seems to be coming to the surface like a flood. I love so much it hurts and I do NOT want to hurt anymore. I am crying out to God to take this pain, this burning hurt and bitterness away and create in me a pure heart once again.

NO, I am NOT OKAY and I can no longer pretend that I am, just to stroke someone else's ego or make someone else feel good. 

All I ever wanted in life was to be half the man I saw in my Dad. I know though that I had a false sense of what I thought it was to be that man that would make my Dad proud of me. I know that I could never really make my Dad proud because I would never be married to a woman, I would never give my Dad a legacy child and I would end up being sick with HIV. I have become everything I thought would make my Dad so unhappy. I have tried to talk the talk I thought would make me the man I should be but I can only be WHO I AM.. I am a GAY MAN who is LIVING with HIV and I am with the MAN I LOVE with all my heart. I know deep in my broken heart that I have NOT been the man my MOM and DAD hoped I would be, but  I will NOT APOLOGIZE for being ME.

This election year has been so HURTFUL and HEART WRENCHING... I have deleted family and blocked them on FACEBOOK because of hurtful words. I have learned what it means to have family and friends who care more about keeping someone out of office because they do not like them and NOT taking into account what it could mean for me as A HIV POSITIVE GAY MAN if a certain party where to ENTER THE WHITE HOUSE. 

I have never been MORE AGGRESSIVE in my FIGHT TO DEFEND my RIGHT TO BE A GAY MAN living with the MAN I LOVE. I have realized that I DO NOT NEED anyones APPROVAL to be ME. I have realized that PEOPLE really do NOT care how ELECTION RESULTS will  EFFECT SO MANY PEOPLES LIVES. I have REALIZED that  I MUST CONTINUE to FIGHT even though it is SO HARD TO KEEP UP THE FIGHT just to HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE FREE FROM LAWS that KEEP ME from BEING ME!!!

I have a wonderful PARTNER in LIFE that has so much PATIENCE WITH ME. HE has sat quitely by as I SCREAM at the TOP of MY LUNGS - AS I CRY UNCONTROLLABLY because I am so FRUSTRATED WITH HOW LIFE HAS TURNED OUT. I am so BLESSED to be loved by such a WONDERFUL PERSON. Yes, there have been times I thought it would be so easy just to step out of this life and into the next, but that would not be fair to him. 

NO, I am NOT OKAY and that IS OKAY...

I know that I will make it through this very DIFFICULT ELECTION SEASON and life will go back to being... I do know that after this ELECTION season I will be wiser to who actually cares about what happens to ME and MY WONDERFUL LIFE PARTNER. I know that LIFE will NEVER be the SAME again after this ELECTION and THAT IS OKAY...

I know in my heart of hearts that there is REALLY ONLY ONE that I NEED to PLEASE and that ONE is MY LORD and SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST. If you would like to know more about me and my journey living as a HIV POSITIVE GAY MAN you can read more here: 

Love and Understanding

So I will CRY in the SILENCE of my own HOME and I will HOLD MY HEAD UP HIGH in FRONT OF OTHERS.

I WILL BE ME -  I WILL BE FREE!!!

NO, I am NOT OKAY and that is ABSOLUTELY OKAY...

Blessings and Peace,

David Moorman