How NOT To Treat an HIV-Positive Person After Having Sex

Even the smallest words and mannerisms can turn a gentleman into a jerk.

By David Artavia

 

February 27 2017

 

 

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One of the most important qualities about sex is the treatment we receive afterward. It’s what truly defines a person’s character (at least for me). Even if the sex wasn’t great, manners and decency will make anyone believe it was. But in today’s hookup culture, getting dismissed unceremoniously becomes part of the regime. 

When you're  living with HIV, you pay special attention to the way you're  treated after sex, especially when your status has been newly disclosed. Hookup apps like Grindr force those gay men living with HIV like us to observe how they're being treated before sex — you think we’re not going to notice what happens after?  

 

Social stigma is everywhere, which makes many people  either hesitant to disclose right away, or choose to only enter sexual relationships with people who educate themselves on PrEP, condoms, and what "undetectable" actually means. With so much access to HIV education, no one wants to play teacher anymore. 

While there are many things to remember, there are a few fails that stick out in particular when talking to someone who's HIV-positive. If you can indulge me, allow me  to point out the major no-no’s:  

Stop Asking: “Are You Sure You’re Undetectable…?” 

Social stigma has created a phobia around HIV and STIs. Even though many people know what undetectable means, they ask it the same way they ask the atrocious “Are you sure you’re clean?” question.

Trust people when they say they are undetectable. We ought to know, right? 

Don’t Be Paranoid. 

If you’re going to be weird and awkward the whole time, I’d rather us not have sex at all. I can’t tell you how many guys tell me stories of people who upon hearing their status instantly crawl into a shell. HIV turns into an invisible elephant in the room too awkward to mention. 

Just because you hear the word “HIV” doesn’t mean you need to: a) feel sorry for us, which kinda turns into pity sex; b) start asking a million questions as if you were their doctor; c) get quiet all of a sudden as if your silence is going to reverse the not-so-fluid sex you just had; or d) feel the need to quickly escape while holding your breath as if you're going to breathe in HIV on the way out.  

Don’t Project Your Lack of Knowledge on Them. 

Just because you haven’t taken the time to educate yourself on HIV and STIs doesn’t mean you have to use me as your brochure. Don’t get me wrong, HIV-positive people are well-versed in how to talk to people about the virus and how to protect others from contracting it, but never should you depend on them to be your Wikipedia. 

For your own education, start by reading: 

Can I Get HIV Through Oral Sex? 

Can I Get STIs Through Rimming? 

6 Ways Gay & Bi Men Can Get HIV

Can I Get HIV if I'm a Top? 

Yes You Can Get an STI From Not Having Sex

Trust me, poz people come equipped with knowledge and supplies. Don’t try to make them feel guilty for enjoying casual sex. We know our status. We’ve suppressed the virus and we know how to protect you. Can you say the same for yourself?

Don’t Give a Lecture. 

The emotional strength we  have built for themselves cannot be broken by your attempted lecture. Because people living with HIV need to have an open communication with their doctors, chances are we’re probably the healthiest person you’ve ever slept with — and I’m including that group of people you had sex with who claim they “know” their status, even though they haven't been tested in a couple years. 

HIV-positive people take control of our health because we have to. They know the status of their bodies and come well-equipped with knowledge about how to make safer choices with sex partners. 

Trust me, we're the last ones who need a lecture.

Read more articles from PLUS, here.
 

Facebook Steps Up Suicide Prevention Efforts

The move, including tests of artificial intelligence, comes after some people live-streamed suicides on the site.

By Trudy Ring

 

March 02 2017

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Facebook is rolling out new suicide prevention tools, in the wake of some people having live-streamed suicides on its Facebook Live feature.

The site will integrate suicide prevention help into Facebook Live, allowing users to access assistance immediately, officials announced today. It will also offer live chat support from crisis support organizations through its Messenger application, and it is testing artificial intelligence designed to streamline the reporting of posts indicating suicidal thoughts. 

Suicide prevention tools have been available on Facebook for some time — for instance, links to support groups, prompts to reach out to a friend, and means for users to report friends’ posts that exhibit intentions of self-harm. Today’s update is aimed at making them quicker and easier to use.

“Our suicide prevention tools for Facebook posts will now be integrated into Facebook Live,” says a letter from site staffers. “People watching a live video have the option to reach out to the person directly and to report the video to us. We will also provide resources to the person reporting the live video to assist them in helping their friend.” The person sharing the video will see resources on their screen and can choose to reach out to a friend, contact a help line, or see tips.

People will be able to connect with support organizations through Messenger, with the option to message users directly from an organization’s page.  Participating groups include Crisis Text Line, the National Eating Disorder Association, and the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Facebook and the participating groups are launching a video campaign to raise awareness of prevention services.

In the most innovative move, Facebook is testing pattern recognition, an artificial intelligence program, as a means to make it easier to report posts indicating intents of self-harm. This “will make the option to report a post about ‘suicide or self injury’ more prominent,” the letter says. The site is also testing pattern recognition “to identify posts as very likely to include thoughts of suicide,” even if these posts have not been reported, with Facebook then sending resources to the user if deemed necessary. The test is starting in the U.S.

It’s relatively rare for suicides to be streamed on Facebook Live, a real-time video service launched last year, but there have been some instances, USA Today reports. I January a 14-year-old girl in Florida and a 33-year-old man in Los Angeles streamed their suicides on the service.

"Some people may say we should cut off the stream the moment there's a hint of somebody talking about suicide, but what we learned from the experts and what they emphasized to us is that cutting off the stream too early removes the chance of someone being able to reach out and provide help," Jennifer Guadagno, Facebook's lead researcher for suicide prevention, told USA Today. "In this way, Live becomes a lifeline. It opens up the opportunity for people to reach out for support and for people to give support at this time that's critically important."

LGBT people, especially young people, are at higher risk for suicide than the general population. The rate of suicide attempts is four times greater for lesbian, gay, and bisexual youth and two times greater for questioning youth than that of straight youth. Forty percent of transgender adults told a recent national survey that they made a suicide attempt; 92 percent of them reported having attempted suicide before the age of 25. Advances toward equality, however, are linked to a lowering of the suicide rate, a recent study indicated.

LGBT youth (ages 24 and younger) who are considering suicide can reach the Trevor Project Lifeline at (866) 488-7386. If you are a trans or gender-nonconforming person considering suicide, Trans Lifeline can be reached at (877) 565-8860. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at (800) 273-8255 can also be reached 24 hours a day by people of all ages and identities.

Read more articles from PLUS, here.

Don’t Let HIV Stigma Keep You From Enjoying Sex

Stigma is a liar and a major source of sexual dysfunction. Don't fall for it.

By David Artavia

 

March 03 2017

 

 

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How do you decide something is true? By that I mean, when is the moment you separate the intellect from your intuition to decipher absolute truths from flexible ones? Let's be frank: it is human instinct to want sex. But to enjoy sex requires something else, otherwise it becomes another ritual like going to the gym or, worse, getting waxed. The enjoyment part of sex often stems from feeling free and uninhibited — a mental state you can only access without the fear of judgment.

And if there’s one thing that keeps us all from entering a place of enjoyment, it’s shame. 

 

It never ceases to amaze me how much the world shames people who like having sex, as if we’re bad people or we’re putting ourselves at risk simply by having sex (science has offered plenty of ways to prevent sexually transmitted infections and pregnancy). As a gay man with an iPhone, I am well-versed with the type of verbiage on hookup apps.

A few weeks ago, I was having a conversation with my friend who struggles with personal shame around his HIV status. Having discovered he was positive in his mid-20s, he felt as if he needed to change perspectives on sex completely. Now that he is HIV-positive he felt he needed to either stop liking sex or stop having it altogether — as if not enjoying it would reverse time, and ultimately the virus itself. Crazy, right?

Even though he was on treatment and undetectable, his attitude towards sex was completely different than mine. And it wasn’t because of our statuses, but rather society’s association with them.

When I was in my early-twenties, I based a lot of my self esteem on sex. Like many of my other gay friends living in Los Angeles at the time, having sex was metaphoric to our status in the world. It meant we were worthy enough to be wanted, sought after, needed. Of course it’s always short-lived, which fueled the need to have more. But just because I’m older now doesn’t mean I have to let it go.

I’ve always thought of sex as recreational, and for many of my friends who find themselves enslaved by stigma, it’s easy to start playing a game of “What If?”

What if no one finds me sexy anymore because I’m HIV-positive?

What if people think I’m “dirty?”

What if people think I am a bad person?

What if people treat me differently?

What if I’m undateable?

This is always a dangerous game to play because before we know it, we turn it into a game of “I Am.”

I am not sexy anymore because I’m HIV-positive.

I am dirty.

I am a bad person.

I am treated differently.

I am undateable.

When we let stigma seep into our lives, it eventually changes what we know to be true. Sooner or later, we forget how to enjoy the most basic pleasures in life — from laughter, to relationships, to food, and yes, to sex.

The absolute truth is that undetectable means uninfectious. To hell with the stigma!

If we let HIV stigma keep us from enjoying sex, we’re allowing a lie to control the truth. And if we let just one lie win, we create opportunities for other lies to flourish. We’re only as authentic as we let ourselves be. Everyone deserves pleasure — you, me, your idiot neighbor who fills the garbage can up too high, everyone!

Being afraid of having sex, much less being afraid of enjoying sex, isn’t going to end stigma. But you know what will? Looking at it directly in the face. At the end of the day, stigma is a coward. When you stand up to it, it will run away.

There’s nothing wrong with enjoying sex, so long as you and your partner practice preventative tools. Trust me, condoms are sexy, but nothing is sexier than knowledge. With knowledge comes freedom, and with that comes permission to enjoy the things we once deprived ourselves of — yes, I'm talking about sex again. 

David Artavia is the associate editor of the Advocate magazine and Plus magazine. Follow him on Twitter: @DMArtavia and like him on Facebook.
 

Read more articles from PLUS, here.

The Persistence of HIV Fear in the Age of PrEP

By Damon Jacobs

From TheBody.com

 

March 2, 2016

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Damon Jacobs

"But if I have sex without a condom, something bad eventually has to happen."

Believe me, I know how real this thought seems. I sympathize as I see panic in response to reports of one person who acquired HIV while adherent to PrEP (after encountering HIV with incredibly rare Truvada resistance) despite the 60,000+ people on PreP for whom this didn't occur.

My own sexual awakening began at age 14, in the summer of 1985, the same time that Harrison Ford was gleefully displaying his impeccable wounded chest in the movie "Witness," and NBC daytime featured a flurry of handsome hairy hunks in various states of shirtless mayhem. My arousal and fixation on these images made it clear that I was hot for guys, and eventually was going to have to do something with all this lust for fur and muscle.

However, while I was ensconced in these soap worlds, a real-life drama was playing out on the news. Rock Hudson, whom I was familiar with more for his work on "Dynasty" then from his rich movie career, was being talked about everywhere after coming out as having AIDS.

Images of Rock Hudson

Nearly every network seemed to find it necessary to contrast the images of a young, healthy, vibrant Hudson, to the gaunt, ill, and frail man whose body was ravished by this ruthless disease. It became very clear to me at this vulnerable moment that sexual impulses led to illness and death, and if I acted on my desires, that would be me someday.

It took four more years before I would come out and become sexually active. By 1990, when I first moved to San Francisco, I understood that condoms could protect me from "getting AIDS" (the term we used back then). However, I couldn't erase the images of Rock Hudson's tragic and cruel demise. No matter how good it felt, no matter how satisfying the experience, I couldn't subtract the terror of believing that pleasure would ultimately kill me like Rock Hudson, and so many of my new friends in San Francisco.

Although my partners (both HIV positive and those who identified as negative), used condoms in every encounter back then, I still lived from HIV test to HIV test in complete and utter fear that something had gone wrong and I would be next. I constantly and vigilantly scrutinized my body for KS spots that signified the beginning of the end. Every cough, every sore throat, every fever and every night sweat was accompanied by the paralyzing thought, "This is it, I'm seroconverting." I lost sleep, I lost concentration and I lost time worrying.

The Arrival of ARVs

Once antiretroviral medications were available and accessible in the late 1990s, I came to understand that HIV was not so much as a killer as it is a treatable and chronic medical condition. Yet the side effects, especially in the early days, were often worse for some than symptoms of the disease itself. Sexual expression was still accompanied by a sense of dread in the form of "uh oh, is this the time I'm going have to pay the consequences for feeling good?"

It wasn't until I first learned about pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP) in 2010 that I could begin to get some distance from the fear.

I learned of the iPrEx trial while I was working in vaccine research in New York City . That was the first study to demonstrate that consistent use of Truvada in HIV-negative people could significantly reduce HIV transmission rates as high at 99%. I was astounded by this report, and decided that this was the best strategy for me to remain HIV negative. I began using Truvada as PrEP on July 19, 2011, and have been using it daily ever since.

PrEP Approval

When the FDA approval came on July 16, 2012, I was waiting for the celebration, the champagne, the confetti. Or at least an acknowledgement by Governor Cuomo. Instead ... nothing.

The news was largely ignored by media, and most agencies, organizations and traditional service providers. How could we have a crucial tool for ending new HIV infections without anyone talking about it? 

I thought the largest barrier to people using PrEP was ignorance, and that if people simply learned about it they would grasp the enormity of this opportunity. So I got active and busy. I began speaking to media about PrEP from a consumer standpoint, started writing essays, telling all my family and friends about PrEP, creating a group on Facebook devoted to "PrEP Facts" and even found a way to be included in a front page New York Times article in the Healthline section.

"Finally," I thought, "People are going to know about this, people are going to be happy to learn about this."

Not so much.

Immediately after going public with this information, I received emails from strangers full of hate, venom, calling me a "Truvada whore," "drug pusher," "sex addict," "corporate shill" and one person even called me a "passive murderer."

Literally from day one of starting my PrEP-focused Facebook group I've had people join who wanted to attack people using PrEP, calling us "dirty," "shameful," "compulsive" and "snake oils salesman."

What happened? How could a biomedical tool for preventing HIV with 99% efficacy be received with such vile and hatred?

In all my well-intended educational efforts, in all my fantasies of celebrations and confetti, I overlooked one crucial factor:

The persistent toxicity of fear.

The Theory of Learned Helplessness

Gay men like me have been inundated with traumatic images of Rock Hudson and worse for over 30 years. We have been bombarded with so-called safe sex campaigns that told us that condomless anal sex is immoral and pathological. We have been directly commanded not to "trust him," that "no glove = no love," and that not using a condom 100% of the time is tantamount to signing up for a life of isolation, alienation, depression and illness.

Our brains are wonderfully resilient yet woefully stubborn. Human minds are incredibly adaptive yet often so resistant to change. The psychology theory of "learned helplessness" describes what typically happens when a human being is exposed to a negative stimulus over an extended period of time with no escape. Eventually he or she will give up trying to avoid the source of pain, and accept they have no control over the outcome of a situation. And even when they are given a way out of a horrendous or abusive circumstance, they often choose not to let go of it, and/or respond with rage to the prospect of being free.

I have seen this dynamic play out repeatedly in forums where reactions to PrEP range from suspicion, to cautious trepidation, to ubiquitous fear, to intense rage.

"What about the side effects?" "What about STIs?" "Who can afford this?"

Even when there are scientific protocols and programs to prevent, manage and assist with these concerns, people are still jumping to the worst one central scenario: "If I have sex for pleasure, something bad will happen."

And I can completely understand how that operates. The first year I used PrEP and had condomless sex with both HIV-positive, and HIV-negative-identified partners, I still carried that fear. My 40-year-old mind simply could not absorb that feeling good wouldn't result in a painful outcome.

Once that first year passed, I fully understood that PrEP would protect me from HIV. But then -- what about those other STIs?

STI Panic

I noticed that for the first time in my life I started to worry a lot about getting an STI. In all my panicked nights prior to PrEP, the thought of having an STI never crossed my mind, but now it was suddenly haunting my interactions with others.

"What if this is it? What if he gave you syphilis? What if he gave you gonorrhea? There is simply no way you can have this much enjoyable sex without having to pay SOME kind of price for it."
During the first half of 2013, I flooded my poor doctor's office with calls. My butt was red, my ass itched, SOMETHING had to be going wrong down there. And my doctor, bless his soul, was more than willing to swab and test as needed. But test after test, time after time, there was no STI.

Indeed, my displaced fear and trauma of AIDS had manifested itself in psychosomatic symptoms of syphilis. My mind was still engaged in the learned helplessness of punishment for pleasure, long after that danger was gone. I finally began the process of completely removing fear from sexual encounters, and opened up to receiving the bliss of condomless intimacy with others.

So today, when I look in my PrEP Facts group and see people responding to fears of a sneeze or a headache or a rash, believing that PrEP had failed them, that some mutant ninja version of HIV will inevitably pass through the Truvada barrier, that STIs are waiting in the wings ready to pounce on them, and that there assuredly must be a penalty for pleasure, I sit back, I read, I understand.

And I'm not surprised to see panic about the recent story about that one case of someone acquiring HIV while adherent to PrEP -- and am committed to sharing correct information about why and how it happened, and how incredibly unlikely it is to be anything but extremely rare.

I witness how 30 years of anti-sex based messaging is still impacting our community today. I try to interject with rational facts, data, science and trials, but that seems to come as little comfort.

These are the direct and tangible side effects of fear. And they may be here to stay.

Fortunately, there is a way to cope with these side effects.

Breathe. Relax. Learn the facts about PrEP. Get support from others in your community, as well as social media. Find a sex-affirmative therapist who understands PrEP and the impact of HIV and AIDS on learned helplessness. Eventually with time, experience and willingness, you will also come to relearn that your body can be a way of experience much joy without fear.

Damon Jacobs is a New York-based licensed marriage and family therapist and HIV prevention specialist and founder of a 13,000-member Facebook group "PrEP Facts: Rethinking HIV Prevention and Sex." Follow Damon on Twitter: @DamonLJacobs.

Read more articles from theBody, here.

 

Utah House Committee: Sex Without HIV Disclosure Is 'Nonconsensual'

Credit: Tuomas_Lehtinen for iStock via Thinkstock

By JD Davids

  From TheBody.com

 

February 28, 2017

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On Friday, Utah's House Judiciary Committee voted to expand the state's definition of nonconsensual sex to include when a person with HIV who knows his or her status does not disclose it prior to sexual conduct. The bill would also increase penalties for other sexual offenses when the person convicted has HIV.

"It doesn't criminalize HIV; it only criminalizes the act. So, if someone's HIV positive and they disclose, there's no problem," the sponsor of HB 369, Representative Justin Fawson, told Salt Lake City's FOX 13. "There's always a potential of transmitting HIV. We can't reduce that to zero. They have to inform a partner that they are HIV positive."

However, there is now scientific consensus that people with HIV who are virally suppressed are not at risk of transmitting HIV through sex. On Tuesday, the National Association of State and Territorial AIDS Directors (NASTAD) released a statement affirming that durably virally suppressed people living with HIV on antiretroviral therapy (ART) do not sexually transmit the virus.

"The science is clear that people living with HIV with a sustained undetectable viral load do not transmit the virus to others. What's also clear is that we have the tools to end the HIV epidemic and HIV-related stigma and make new infections a thing of the past. Today, we tackle a major part of this work by raising awareness about the latest science of HIV transmission risk," stated NASTAD executive director Murray Penner in the release.

Sean Strub, executive director of the Sero Project, a national group focused on HIV criminalization issues, told the TheBody.com that "what has been proposed in Utah is dangerous, short-sighted, contrary to best public health practices and almost certain to make the epidemic in Utah worse."

According to FOX 13, only two of eleven members of the state House Judiciary Committee voted against sending the bill to the full Utah House of Representatives for further consideration. 
OnTop Magazine noted that the committee is chaired by Representative LaVar Christensen, whom they called a "vocal opponent of LGBT rights."

In a hearing on the bill, Troy Williams, executive director of Equality Utah, said the state should promote HIV testing and treatment, and expressed concern that HB 369 could hamper efforts to prevent sexually transmitted infections, according to the Salt Lake Tribune.

"We should absolutely be enhancing penalties for intent and harm, but not the health status of the perpetrator. We would want to do everything in our power to open the doors to encourage people to be tested," he reportedly said.

JD Davids is the managing editor for TheBody.com and TheBodyPRO.com.
Follow JD on Twitter: @JDAtTheBody.

Read more artilces from theBody, here.

 

North Carolina Family Donates $1.5 Million To LGBT Shelter In Gay Grandson’s Name

“Not all families are as understanding." 

by Dan Avery

03/01/2017

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An LGBT youth advocacy group in Charlotte, North Carolina, received a 1.5 million donation from a prestigious local family this week.

Sarah Belk Gambrell, 98-year-old heiress to the Belk chain of department stores, donated the money from the Gambrell Family Foundation. It amounts to almost half of the $3.4 million Time Out Youth is attempting to raise to build its first shelter for LGBT homeless youth. 

During the TOY Board Meeting this week, we had a very special guest show up! We’d like to thank @SynchronyFinancial and their Charlotte LGBT Partnership Network Hub for the generous $5,000 grant which will be used to support our Host Home and Financial Emergency Aid programs!

TOY director Rodney Tucker calls the money “life-changing for the center and the LGBTQ community of Charlotte.” Gambrell family members, meanwhile, say it’s both a show of support for queer youth and a public stand against HB2. 

“I think HB2 is a knee-jerk reaction based on fear of what we don’t understand,” Gambrell’s daughter, Sarah Gambrell, tells the Charlotte Observer. “I just want to invest in young people so they can reach their potential and contribute to society. I’m inviting people to join me.”

Activists say the donation is as much about the Belk family name as it is the cash.

Celebrating Sarah Belk Gambrell, one of the most remarkable women in Charlotte's history: http://t.co/0oOZer4lM3 pic.twitter.com/LQgu6cK6En

— Olivia Fortson (@oliviafortson) April 15, 2013

“Sarah Belk Gambrell has always been a woman ahead of her time and of her time. She has led the way for women in business and in philanthropy. Now she steps forward to help young people who often have no safe and nurturing place to turn,” said Michael Marsicano of Foundation for the Carolinas. “Her voice has such credibility, donors will follow where they might not otherwise have gone.”

Even after 127 years, the Belks are considered the South’s first family of retail. 

Supporting LGBT youth became personal for Sally Gambrell, who runs the foundation, after one of her teenage sons came out to her recently. Time Out Youth’s programs were there to help him.
“Right now, I’m in shock at everything going on in this state,” she said, noting her son “is the way God made him.”

She added that her mother backs donation fully, in part because she didn’t like the idea of anyone mistreating one of her grandsons because he’s gay.

“Not all families are as understanding—other children who come out may not be as lucky to still have a home. I think this [shelter] could save lives.”

If you want to donate to Time Out Youth, visit their website.

Read more articles from NewNowNext, here.

In Defense of Gender Revolution

The controversial National Geographic documentary taught middle America about transgender people, Elijah Nealy writes.

By Elijah Nealy

 

March 01 2017 

 

 

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A new mom settles into the couch across from me in my office. She called this week to schedule an appointment because her 17-year-old child just announced he was transgender and identified as a boy. As we begin to talk, the mom says, "If [he] had told us [he] was gay or lesbian, it would have been a no-brainer. But this gender stuff? We just don’t get it."

This is certainly not the first time I’ve heard this from a parent. In 2017, most people living in the United States know someone in their immediate circle who is lesbian, gay, or bisexual — a family member, neighbor, coworker. Lesbian, gay, and bisexual people have come out in popular culture, music, film, and television, in sports, in politics and government, even in many faith communities. Most college students have peers who identify as LGB. Even my middle-school daughter knows classmates who are out as gay or lesbian. But the T has been a different story. 

 

Yes, we have had more adult trans people like Laverne Cox, Janet Mock, Aydian Dowling, and others come out in major media, but most adults in America still do not know transgender people within their immediate social, familial, or professional networks. As a result, gender identity and gender expression, and the understanding of gender as distinct from biological sex, are still unfamiliar. While this is rapidly changing among adolescents and young adults, those of us who are over 25 often struggle to make sense of the “gender revolution” that is occurring all around us. And given how trans children can come out much younger than their LGB counterparts, the stories of their families are making a very different kind of impact.

This is why the recent National Geographic documentary Gender Revolution, hosted by Katie Couric, is so important. This two-hour special provides comprehensive and accessible definitions of terms often confused: biological sex (the sex we are assigned at birth), gender identity (our own internal understanding of our gender), gender expression (how we express our gender visually in the world), and sexual orientation (who we are attracted to). It presents up-to-date information about the differences between being born with an intersex condition and being transgender. It reviews the most recent scientific research that increasingly indicates a biological component to the development of transgender identity in utero. Beyond this, Katie Couric’s conversations with trans youth and their parents as well as transgender adults offer profound insights into the day-to-day emotions and experiences of these individuals and families.

When families first reach out to me, they are often confused, fearful, and unsure where to turn for the information and support they need to effectively parent their trans or gender-diverse children and youth. It is not unusual for me to spend 45 minutes on the first phone call because of how much they need to talk about and make sense of this new information about their child — whether it is a young child with gender-diverse interests and expression or an adolescent who just disclosed their trans or gender-fluid identity. These parents often feel isolated and making that first connection with someone who understands is critical. 

As a parent myself, I am frequently aware that the task of raising healthy children does not come with an owner’s manual. Each child is unique and requires new learning about how to parent them effectively and affirmatively. Raising trans children and youth to live healthy, happy, meaningful, and compassionate adult lives requires that each of us be willing to open our minds and hearts to new ways of understanding and experiencing gender identity and expression. As Couric says, “We’re all a lot more complicated than we’ve assumed.”

Couric’s vulnerability about what she does and does not understand, her openness to deeply listen to the struggles of these individuals, and her commitment and compassion in sharing their stories open a window of understanding for all of us. It’s not just parents who need the information presented in Gender Revolution; we all need to hear these stories. Our transgender and gender-diverse youth need and deserve acceptance and support from all the adults in their lives — parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, teachers, doctors, neighbors, and faith community leaders.

Because of lack of understanding and acceptance, isolation, and discrimination, more than 40 percent of trans youth and adults attempt suicide compared to only 4.6 percent in the general population. Eighty-two percent of transgender youth report that they feel unsafe at school, 44 percent have been abused physically (punched, shoved, etc.), and 67 percent have been bullied online.

As a clinician, pastor, parent, and transgender man, the message of this film and our responsibility is clear. Vanessa and JR Ford, whose family is featured in the film, put it this way “Do you want a happy child?”

Increasingly for the parents of transgender and gender creative children the answer is a resounding “Yes!” and this film will be a catalyst for change among many. Thank you, Katie Couric and National Geographic, for opening hearts and minds.

ELIJAH NEALY is a licensed clinical social worker and assistant professor in the social work department at the University of Saint Joseph in West Hartford, Conn.

Read more articles from The Advocate, here.