It
is time for me to share an in-depth look into my personal journey realizing who
I am {a blood bought, born-again, gay man} through Christ Jesus along with my
journey living with HIV.
1/17/2019
__________________________________________________________________________________
I think about all the hurting people
in this world and wonder why people have to be so mean to each other. Life
here on earth is just a short time that should be enjoyable, not a time of
hiding out and being scared to be who you are or who you were created to
be.
You see all my life I knew I was
different from all the rest of the boys I grew up around. I had my first crush
on a boy named Billy when I was five years old. I would do everything in my
power to just get to hold his hand on the playground. It was not easy because
Billy had a crush on Dawn and he was always holding hands with her, even when
we played red rover. I would always break through Billy and Dawn so I could
hold Billy’s hand. Of course nothing ever came of it because Billy was like all
the other boys. I really had no one to talk to about how I was feeling on the
inside. If I did try to talk about it I was shamed or made fun of or mocked.
Growing up in an Evangelical Church made it very difficult to be who I was made
to be.
You constantly hear the preacher
telling you, you are going to "hell" if you do this or that or if you
did not believe a certain way. So many times in life we think that
"preacher" is so "Godlike" that he must be right, instead
of actually going to God ourselves for the answer.
I cried a lot when I was alone in my
bed at night and would beg God to make me a "normal" boy so I could
have feelings for girls like all the other little boys. I was so ashamed of
myself for wanting to hold hands with other little boys and not the girls. I
was ashamed that I wanted to kiss the boys the way I saw them kiss the girls.
So I struggled to be that kind of boy, the boy who could kiss a girl, hold her
hand and be like all the other boys. Why, because that was the "right
thing to do?” Well, it does not work that way my friend. You cannot live a lie
and be someone you were NOT created to be, it only leads to more self hate, loneliness,
depression and most of the time suicide… I hated myself for not being the boy
my Mom and Dad thought I was or wanted me to be. I actually tried a couple of
times to end my life. Once I cut my wrists {not deep enough or the right way}
and once I took three bottles of pills. I had prayed and asked God to accept me
into His kingdom as I drifted off to sleep. To my great disappointment at that
time I woke up 10 hours later so sick I wished I were dead. I managed to get
myself dressed and go to work {I was working a night shift at the time} and had
the worst night of my life. I made a promise to God then I would never ever try
to do something like that again.
In 1989 I put myself through “First
Stone Ministries” and ex-gay religious organization. What a joke that turned
out to be. Everyone that was going to this group went right out to the clubs
when the meeting was over. I joined them of course, except for one night I
decided I would try to go to a “Straight Bar” called Night Trips. The drinks
were not as strong as the “Gay Bars” but the women were plenty and loose. I had
one cling to me on the dance floor because back then I could really move. That
trip finally ended when she wanted me to take her home and have sex with her. I
excused myself to go to the men’s room and quickly left that bar alone. I went
from there straight back to the bars where there were others just like me.
Needless to say “First Stone Ex-Gay Therapy” was a horrible joke that made
everyone feel like they were worthless and needed to be stripped of all their
dignity and beg God to forgive you and make you straight. We were told to FAKE
IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT… What a horrible life experience that was.
As the years passed I thought I would never get an answer from God. The "church" tried to pray the evil "homosexual" tendencies out of me. They even anointed me with oil and tried so hard to cast that horrible “Homosexual Demon” out of me. I continued on my journey of self discovery. I was attending a "church" that preached homosexuality was a sin and those who were homosexual were out of the will of God. If you were a "practicing" homosexual you were not part of God's chosen.
What a glorious day in my life when the minister had special guests in the church who were "prophets" of God. After struggling for 25 years to be who everyone else thought I should be, God stepped in and wiped away all my self-doubt and shame.
One of the "prophets" called me out of the audience to prophesy over me. As this prophet began to speak to me I knew that God was truly using him to talk to me. God was answering my prayers, but not like I was expecting. He told me that God saw all the nights I lay in my bed crying out to HIM as far back as 5 years old to make me a “normal” little boy. He told me that I was created in God's image and I was exactly how God had created me. There was no reason for God to change me to be a "normal" boy, because I was normal in the eyes of God. He told me I was called to be a Good Shepherd over the people who were just like me. He told me that I would experience all the things that the people just like me would experience so I could be a Good Shepherd to them. See I knew from a very young age that God had called me to be a minister, so this was not new news. I never dreamed, however, that God actually loved me and created me just I was. He went on to say that I would go through a time of wilderness where I will feel as if God had deserted me. It would be through that wilderness that God would allow me to experience all the things I needed to experience so I could be the Good Shepherd He called me to be. He told me I would be almost through with my journey when I looked up to the Heavens and cried, “This too God, Really this too”!
As the years passed I thought I would never get an answer from God. The "church" tried to pray the evil "homosexual" tendencies out of me. They even anointed me with oil and tried so hard to cast that horrible “Homosexual Demon” out of me. I continued on my journey of self discovery. I was attending a "church" that preached homosexuality was a sin and those who were homosexual were out of the will of God. If you were a "practicing" homosexual you were not part of God's chosen.
What a glorious day in my life when the minister had special guests in the church who were "prophets" of God. After struggling for 25 years to be who everyone else thought I should be, God stepped in and wiped away all my self-doubt and shame.
One of the "prophets" called me out of the audience to prophesy over me. As this prophet began to speak to me I knew that God was truly using him to talk to me. God was answering my prayers, but not like I was expecting. He told me that God saw all the nights I lay in my bed crying out to HIM as far back as 5 years old to make me a “normal” little boy. He told me that I was created in God's image and I was exactly how God had created me. There was no reason for God to change me to be a "normal" boy, because I was normal in the eyes of God. He told me I was called to be a Good Shepherd over the people who were just like me. He told me that I would experience all the things that the people just like me would experience so I could be a Good Shepherd to them. See I knew from a very young age that God had called me to be a minister, so this was not new news. I never dreamed, however, that God actually loved me and created me just I was. He went on to say that I would go through a time of wilderness where I will feel as if God had deserted me. It would be through that wilderness that God would allow me to experience all the things I needed to experience so I could be the Good Shepherd He called me to be. He told me I would be almost through with my journey when I looked up to the Heavens and cried, “This too God, Really this too”!
A prophet explains the plan and purpose
of God and tells people what God will do in the future. Amos
3:7 Surely the Sovereign Lord GOD does nothing, without revealing His
plan to His servants the prophets. A prophet always confirms what God
has already told you in your heart.
I have gone through everything imaginable for the past 20+ years of my life. I have experienced things I would have never dreamed I would go through. I have felt the hurt, separation, loneliness, hatred, sickness; you name it I have gone through it. I know that I have been allowed to go through these things so I can identify with others who are going through the same thing. Although it seems like an eternity, what I have gone through is nothing compared to what our Savior Christ Jesus endured on the Cross.
In 2008 God spoke to me again about being a Good Shepherd. This time I was at what I thought was the lowest point in my life. I was taken to a food bank by a friend so I could get some food. It just so happened that this one was run by a local Baptist Church. When the little older lady took me back we went into a small room so she could talk to me. She told me they like to talk to all the new people to see if they need spiritual help. She just looked at me and touched my knee and said with a look of shock, young man you are an anointed one of God. Tears began to well up in my eyes. Then this little lady looked up at the ceiling and said okay God I will tell him. She said you remember son when God told you that you would be going through a wilderness period in your life. I nodded because I was sobbing by this time. She then said God wants me to tell you that you are almost through, but there is one more thing you must face. This thing will be the biggest thing you have ever gone through and you will know that your wilderness journey is almost over when you look up to the heavens and cry out, "THIS TOO GOD, REALLY THIS TOO".. Well, we hugged as she prayed over me then she took me back to get my food and I was on my way.
A few months passed and nothing much had changed in my life until I had a break up with my partner. We were separated for three months at my request, even though we still lived under the same roof.
During that time I became a bit promiscuous and that is when my life changed forever. One day I got a phone call from this young man I had seen and was told I needed to get tested. My mind flashed back to that one night with him and what I did to get this phone call. I went the next day to a testing and counseling center called “Rain”. That day, May 28th, 2009 at 10:15am I learned that I was HIV Positive. I sat there in shock with a smile on my face and tears in my eyes. After a brief counseling from the sweet young lady I was off. My life was never going to be the same after that day. When I got home from the testing site, I sat on my front porch and cried out to GOD, THIS TOO GOD REALLY THIS TOO!!! At that very moment the words of that little old lady at the food bank came flooding back over me. I knew that from that day forward my life was definitely going to change.
I thank God that He has given me an
online ministry to the LGBTQI+ community as well as the rest of God’s creation.
God has NOT finished with me yet {I continue to be a little rough around the
edges}; however I know He is doing a good work through my obedience to His will
for my life. I know that I have been justified through the blood of Jesus and
made acceptable to God {Romans
3:21-26}.
Now may the God
of peace [the source of serenity and spiritual well-being] who brought up from
the dead our Lord Jesus, the great Shepherd of the sheep, through the blood that sealed and ratified the eternal
covenant, equip you with every good thing to carry
out His will and strengthen you
[making you complete and perfect as you ought to be], accomplishing in us that
which is pleasing in His sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be the glory
forever and ever. Amen. Hebrews
13:20-21
We are a RAINBOW of different people
all created by our Heavenly Father for His good pleasure.
“Worthy are You,
our Lord and God, to receive the glory and the honor and the power; for You
created all things, and because of Your will they exist, and were created and brought into being.” Revelation
4:11
I cannot stress enough how important it is to always protect yourself. If you do find yourself going through the process of learning you are HIV positive, REMEMBER:
I cannot stress enough how important it is to always protect yourself. If you do find yourself going through the process of learning you are HIV positive, REMEMBER:
You are not alone!!
I know it seems that your world is falling apart and that there is no hope.
I just want you to know there is hope. There are many organizations for
you to turn to for help with your emotional state. I have been there I know.
Being diagnosed with HIV may seem like the end of the world for you but
it is not!! Life will go on and you too will go on. Today there are so many
support groups, churches, and HIV organizations you can turn to for help and
guidance through this time in your life.
When I was first diagnosed with HIV, I felt numb all over. I am sure you are feeling
that way too. I chose to trust in GOD, to help me through the emotional turmoil that
was going through my mind. The questions going on in my mind at the time:
This list goes on and on.. I am sure many of you are asking yourself the same questions!!!
Well, the answer, though it may seem too easy, is to just take a deep breath and chose to LIVE! Life does go on with HIV. You can live a great life. You can have a great relationship with someone who will love you despite the three letter word. You need to make a list of those who you care the most about that you know will give you support. Make a list of those you think will not support you. Compare the two and ask God to give you direction in who to confide in. We all need a support system that will hold us, let us cry, let us shout, let us be mad, and let us get through the initial turmoil.
I remember that day May 28th, 2009 just like it was yesterday. I left the clinic where I was tested, drove home, sat on my porch and cried for what seemed like an eternity. I yelled at God, I cried out to God, I did not blame God; I just wanted to know why. Well, my friends, the why is, simply put because I did not protect myself!! You have to realize it is all about taking the time to use protection!! You cannot just trust the person you decide to have sex with unless you know beyond a shadow of a doubt they are clean!! You have to love yourself enough to protect yourself!!
At this point you are probably wondering what about your partner. Like I mentioned earlier I was separated from for my partner for about three months. I chose not to protect myself during those three months and I contracted HIV!!! I did it to myself. I have no one else to blame but myself for not protecting myself. It is not the fault of the young man I was with because he did not know he was HIV positive. Besides that I never dreamed I would get HIV from oral sex. Boy was I ever wrong!!!
When I found out that I was HIV+ my partner and I had reconciled and were very happy. We have been together now for 23 years, and I thank God everyday for giving me such a loving and supportive partner in LIFE!!!
Back to my first week of finding out I was positive. I remember the first person I called was a manager friend of mine at work. I just started crying when he answered the phone. He was at my house in less than 10 minutes and just held me as I cried!! This friend of mine took me away from my house, took me to eat and just listen to me. He was there for me when I needed a friend and I will never ever forget that day. As we sat there eating lunch I am sure I was asking him all those questions you read above. With a soft gentle voice he told me everything was going to be ok and I was not going to die. He told me my partner would understand and love me through it, he told me that my family would support me and they all do!! Yes this manager was not only my manager but one of the best friends I could have ever ask for!!!
I did not work for a week. Thank God for vacation time!!! I continued to cry out to God to give me the strength to talk to my partner and my family. That week was the hardest week of my life. I did get to talk to everyone close to me that week and God gave me the best support system I could have ever asked for in life.
I cannot stress enough that YOU have to protect yourself. You do not have to disclose your status to anyone, unless you are planning on having relations with them. At that time my friend you must respect that person enough to let them know and protect them!!!
My family doctor immediately got me in to see a specialist in HIV infection. God was so good to get me in to the most experienced specialist in my state at that time!!! We immediately did all the necessary blood work to see what strand of HIV I had contracted and what medication would help with controlling it when the time came to do so. For the next several months I was to wait and see how virus would the progress. This was June of 2009 and the viral load was already close to 40,000 and my CD4 count was 900. Let me put this in perspective for you. I contracted the HIV virus in February of 2009 unknowingly, got a phone call in May of 2009 from the person I contracted from, got tested and was positive, had a confirmatory test and genotype test which confirmed I was HIV positive with a viral load of 40,000. So I went from NOT having HIV to having HIV with a huge start of viral load in only 3 months.
I know it seems that your world is falling apart and that there is no hope.
I just want you to know there is hope. There are many organizations for
you to turn to for help with your emotional state. I have been there I know.
Being diagnosed with HIV may seem like the end of the world for you but
it is not!! Life will go on and you too will go on. Today there are so many
support groups, churches, and HIV organizations you can turn to for help and
guidance through this time in your life.
When I was first diagnosed with HIV, I felt numb all over. I am sure you are feeling
that way too. I chose to trust in GOD, to help me through the emotional turmoil that
was going through my mind. The questions going on in my mind at the time:
- Why Me?
- How am I gonna tell my partner?
- How am I gonna tell my family?
- How am I gonna tell my friends?
- What will people think about me?
- AM I gonna die?
- What now?
This list goes on and on.. I am sure many of you are asking yourself the same questions!!!
Well, the answer, though it may seem too easy, is to just take a deep breath and chose to LIVE! Life does go on with HIV. You can live a great life. You can have a great relationship with someone who will love you despite the three letter word. You need to make a list of those who you care the most about that you know will give you support. Make a list of those you think will not support you. Compare the two and ask God to give you direction in who to confide in. We all need a support system that will hold us, let us cry, let us shout, let us be mad, and let us get through the initial turmoil.
I remember that day May 28th, 2009 just like it was yesterday. I left the clinic where I was tested, drove home, sat on my porch and cried for what seemed like an eternity. I yelled at God, I cried out to God, I did not blame God; I just wanted to know why. Well, my friends, the why is, simply put because I did not protect myself!! You have to realize it is all about taking the time to use protection!! You cannot just trust the person you decide to have sex with unless you know beyond a shadow of a doubt they are clean!! You have to love yourself enough to protect yourself!!
At this point you are probably wondering what about your partner. Like I mentioned earlier I was separated from for my partner for about three months. I chose not to protect myself during those three months and I contracted HIV!!! I did it to myself. I have no one else to blame but myself for not protecting myself. It is not the fault of the young man I was with because he did not know he was HIV positive. Besides that I never dreamed I would get HIV from oral sex. Boy was I ever wrong!!!
When I found out that I was HIV+ my partner and I had reconciled and were very happy. We have been together now for 23 years, and I thank God everyday for giving me such a loving and supportive partner in LIFE!!!
Back to my first week of finding out I was positive. I remember the first person I called was a manager friend of mine at work. I just started crying when he answered the phone. He was at my house in less than 10 minutes and just held me as I cried!! This friend of mine took me away from my house, took me to eat and just listen to me. He was there for me when I needed a friend and I will never ever forget that day. As we sat there eating lunch I am sure I was asking him all those questions you read above. With a soft gentle voice he told me everything was going to be ok and I was not going to die. He told me my partner would understand and love me through it, he told me that my family would support me and they all do!! Yes this manager was not only my manager but one of the best friends I could have ever ask for!!!
I did not work for a week. Thank God for vacation time!!! I continued to cry out to God to give me the strength to talk to my partner and my family. That week was the hardest week of my life. I did get to talk to everyone close to me that week and God gave me the best support system I could have ever asked for in life.
I cannot stress enough that YOU have to protect yourself. You do not have to disclose your status to anyone, unless you are planning on having relations with them. At that time my friend you must respect that person enough to let them know and protect them!!!
My family doctor immediately got me in to see a specialist in HIV infection. God was so good to get me in to the most experienced specialist in my state at that time!!! We immediately did all the necessary blood work to see what strand of HIV I had contracted and what medication would help with controlling it when the time came to do so. For the next several months I was to wait and see how virus would the progress. This was June of 2009 and the viral load was already close to 40,000 and my CD4 count was 900. Let me put this in perspective for you. I contracted the HIV virus in February of 2009 unknowingly, got a phone call in May of 2009 from the person I contracted from, got tested and was positive, had a confirmatory test and genotype test which confirmed I was HIV positive with a viral load of 40,000. So I went from NOT having HIV to having HIV with a huge start of viral load in only 3 months.
In September of 2009 I was hospitalized for my
heart. I had never had any problems with my heart. Needless to say the virus
was beginning to take a toll on my health. In October of 2009 when I went in
for blood test results my mother was with me. Thank God for a mother who loves
and supports her HIV son!!! The doctor came in and did not have a smile on his
face. He began to explain to me and my mother that in his thirty plus years of
working with HIV he had NEVER seen as fast of a progressor as I had in my
system {viral load now over 100,000}. He told us that even though my immune
system was still ok (cd4 above 700), that if I did not start on HIV medication
I would be dead, yes, he said dead in less than 2 years. My mother just gripped
my hand as we began to weep. The doctor then said that he really thought I
should start medication as soon as possible but it was my decision. I looked at
my mother and saw the hurt in her eyes as I am sure she saw the same in mine. I
said let’s do this. I did not want to die!! So began my journey on HIV
medication.
I remember getting my HIV medication on my front porch in a brown paper wrapper a week later.
I opened the envelope and just starred at the bottle. I knew that once I opened that bottle and took the first pill there was no turning back. I was scared, I had read all the side effects that the medication can have on your body and I really was dreading starting the medication. I had two neighbors on my porch with me that night when I decided to take the medication. I called my mom and started crying. She comforted me and told me she would stay on the phone with me as I took that first pill. I remember choking it down through the tears and my neighbors hugging me and letting me know I was gonna be okay. At the same time my mom was assuring me on the phone that I was gonna get through this and live!!!
So began my journey fighting this deadly virus HIV!!!
I remember getting my HIV medication on my front porch in a brown paper wrapper a week later.
I opened the envelope and just starred at the bottle. I knew that once I opened that bottle and took the first pill there was no turning back. I was scared, I had read all the side effects that the medication can have on your body and I really was dreading starting the medication. I had two neighbors on my porch with me that night when I decided to take the medication. I called my mom and started crying. She comforted me and told me she would stay on the phone with me as I took that first pill. I remember choking it down through the tears and my neighbors hugging me and letting me know I was gonna be okay. At the same time my mom was assuring me on the phone that I was gonna get through this and live!!!
So began my journey fighting this deadly virus HIV!!!
Here we are 10 years
later and I am still ALIVE!!!
Is my life where I
thought it would be, NO? I consume more than $10,000 worth of medication a
month now and my health is not even close to where I would like for it to be
and neither is my mental state. Even so, I thank God every day that He has let
me live one more day to share my story and to share the GREATEST story of all
and that would be the SACRIFICE JESUS CHRIST made for ALL of us {including
LGBTQI+} the day He suffered and died on the Cross so that we could eternal
life through HIM…
I want you to know that GOD does
LOVE you! God has created you just as you are in HIS image.
You do not need to be validated
by a "church" or a "preacher"; you are validated by your
Creator!!! Take courage in this my friends in the following Scriptures:
“Just as Moses
lifted up the [bronze] serpent in the desert [on a pole], so must the Son of
Man be lifted up [on the cross], so that whoever believes will in Him have
eternal life [after physical death, and will actually live forever]. For God so
[greatly] loved and dearly prized the world, that He [even] gave His [One and] only
begotten Son, so that whoever believes and trusts in Him [as Savior] shall not
perish, but have eternal life. For God did not send the Son
into the world to judge and condemn the world [that is, to initiate the final
judgment of the world], but that the world might be saved through Him.”
There is [now no
distinction in regard to salvation] neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither
slave nor free, there is neither male nor female; for you [who believe] are all
one in Christ Jesus [no one can claim a spiritual superiority]. And if you
belong to Christ [if you are in Him], then you are Abraham’s descendants, and
[spiritual] heirs according to [God’s] promise.
There is one body
[of believers] and one Spirit—just as you were called to one hope when called
[to salvation]— one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of us all
who is [sovereign] over all and [working] through all and [living] in all.
Jesus said to him, “I
am the [only] Way [to God] and the [real] Truth and the [real] Life; no one
comes to the Father but through Me.
So, if you are struggling to
find yourself, remember God created you in HIS image. He made you to be exactly
who you are and no one can take that away from you. There is NOT one single
person in this world that can take away your relationship with God. We ALL must
stand before God one day all ALONE so be comforted in the FACT that NO man or
woman will be there judging you for being the person God created you to be.
Turn to God and let HIM give you the comfort you are longing for in your life.
Let God be the Lover of your soul.
Psalm
62:1-2, 7-8
For God alone my soul waits in silence;
From Him comes my salvation.
He alone is my rock and my salvation,
My defense and my strong tower; I will not be shaken or disheartened.
For God alone my soul waits in silence;
From Him comes my salvation.
He alone is my rock and my salvation,
My defense and my strong tower; I will not be shaken or disheartened.
On God my salvation and my glory
rest;
He is my rock of [unyielding] strength, my refuge is in God.
Trust [confidently] in Him at all times, O people;
Pour out your heart before Him.
God is a refuge for us. Selah {“to praise” or “pause and reflect upon what has just been said"}.
He is my rock of [unyielding] strength, my refuge is in God.
Trust [confidently] in Him at all times, O people;
Pour out your heart before Him.
God is a refuge for us. Selah {“to praise” or “pause and reflect upon what has just been said"}.
I encourage you to
be exactly who God created you to be, refusing to let any man or woman tell you
otherwise and try to invalidate your relationship with God.
In conclusion, be
strong in the Lord [draw your strength from Him and be empowered through your
union with Him] and in the power of His [boundless] might. Ephesians
6:10
It will not be an
easy journey living the life God created for you to live and it will certainly
not be an easy road when your journey takes on living with HIV. It will however
be endurable if you allow your Heavenly Father to guide you and give you
strength through the POWER of the CROSS, your SALVATION through Christ Jesus
and the illumination of HIS WORD through the HOLY SPIRIT.
Blessings and Peace
in Christ Jesus,
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