01/10/2018
__________________________________________________________________________________
June 11, 1968 my mother gave birth to her first child. This child was me, David. Today I would like to share parts of my journey thus far in life with you. May you be blessed and enlightened by my PERSONAL EXPERIENCE with GOD.
My Mother and Father did their very best to instill “Christianity” into the hearts of me and my sister. I remember coming home from church when I was a young child and was so excited to tell my parents that I had accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior. Of course this was exciting news and news that my Mother knew she would hear someday. You see, when I was still a young child my Mother knelt beside my bed and gave me back to Jesus before I even knew how to talk.
As I went into the first grade in school, I learned very quickly that I was not like all the other little boys. You see at that tender age, I knew I liked boys, the way we were taught to like girls. It did not get any easier once I realized I was different. I held many a crush on boys throughout my school years.
Just like any “good ole boy” was supposed to do, I tried with everything within me to like girls. I would lay in bed at night begging and pleading with God “to take away these feelings” that where surely going to send me straight to hell. As time passed and I entered my teenage years, it became more of a burden on my heart that I was NOT right and I needed to change. I talked with my closest “friends” about the way I felt, which only caused more hurt when I was made fun of, so I turned inward and began beating myself up with the thoughts that I was “DOOMED” to a life of unhappiness. I had lost me somewhere between about 13 and 19 years of age.
No one really knew what was going on with me at that time in my life because I became a hard core “CHRISTIAN” that was going to change the world. I even got ordained shortly after graduation. I went to a Christian School so it was very hard to be me. I dolled myself up in expensive suits and ties, because I was working and spending all my money on trying to make the outside look so good that maybe, just maybe my inside would start to match. I became known as the “Class Preacher Man”. I was the Senior Class President, I was on the yearbook staff, I was the basketball manager because I could not play sports to save my life, and I began teaching and preaching to take my mind off of me.
When high school was over; I finally “CAME OUT” to my family. Dad was not happy about it, however he told me he would always support me and love me no matter what.
My Mom did not take it so well. We cried together for what seemed an eternity. I did my best to try and convince her it was NOT her fault or my Dad’s fault, it was just who I am and had always been. She could not understand because I had “Dated” so many girls. I explained to her that many of us in the “church” did that to cover up who we were because we knew growing up in an Evangelical Church that we would be disowned, shunned and even asked to leave the church. It took my Mom several years to understand that this was NOT a FAD and was not going away. It was a rough several years of bitterness, hatred, and crying but so happy to report that my Partner and I have a wonderful relationship with my Mom and also my Dad who was there for me through all the years of heartache and is still my Best Friend to this day. Let me back up because I need go back to the struggle of becoming who God had called me to be.
I had decided to make it my life’s mission to help other people. During this turbulent time in my life I could not even help myself, but I sure tried to be the “BEST CHRISTIAN” I could be. I went before so many “PREACHERS” during those years, and they tried to NO AVAIL to “cast out the HORRIBLE demons” that had possessed me as a child. You see this is what the EVANGELICAL churches do; if you were not living as they teach you to live it was because you were possessed or oppressed by demons. I have personally encountered dealing with demons, so I knew I was NOT possessed. I even put myself through the TORTURE of FIRST STONE MINISTRIES – TO BECOME STRAIGHT. Long story short on that one it did not WORK!!! I even got engaged to a beautiful girl, we all know how that turned out. It did not work. Don’t get me wrong, I loved her, I just could not bring myself to live a lie by marring her. Side note here: We have talked in recent years and I asked her to forgive me for running away and not explaining things to her at that time. She forgave me. All she ever wanted was to know why so it was a wonderful thing that God brought us together on Social Media so she could get the closure she needed. She will always hold a special place in my heart. She is happily married with wonderful step children and husband that adores her.
As I was beginning to grow into adulthood {19 years old}, I could no longer fight these feelings that I had been burdening over for all these years. I tried without succeeding of course to end my life because I did not want to displease God by acting on these feelings I had. Thank God He did not let me die that day. Shortly after that episode, I was attending a huge church here in Oklahoma City, called City Church, when our Pastor Richard Hogue had invited in some well known Prophets in the Evangelical World. I had a feeling something was going to change in my life that night. I just had no idea how RADICAL it was going to be.
One of the two prophets was explaining the role of the Prophet in the church. He walked by me, I always sat on the front row at church, and he touched my shoulder. It felt like a bolt of lightning shot through my body. He jumped back, looked at me, shook his head and said did you feel that son. I shook my head yes and he went on with his teaching. I knew at the very moment I was going to be called to the front of the church when he was done teaching. Sure enough when he was through with the teaching I was one of the first ones he called to the front. Remember just a short time before this I had tried to end my life so I would no longer be “gay”.
So there I was standing before the church in front of this Prophet of God with my Pastor letting out a few Hallelujahs. As I stood there before this man of God all the thoughts I had about not being good enough as a Christian, let alone a “MAN” came flooding in. Just like the enemy of God to try to bring you down right before God chooses to build you up. I was so lost and hurting inside and I desperately wanted to hear from God so I would know what to do with the rest of my life. It was in that moment as the prophet began to speak to me, that I finally realized that GOD truly did love me.
I want to preface the rest of this story with this: To ALL the EVANGELICAL – RADICAL – GOD FEARING CHRISTIANS, what happened that NIGHT FOREVER CHANGED MY LIFE and IT IS GOING TO GO AGAINST EVERYTHING YOU HAVE EVER BEEN TAUGHT TO BELIEVE!!! I want to say that NOTHING anyone could ever say to this day or even going on in my life’s journey, could take away the JOY I FOUND IN GOD THAT NIGHT!! I still to this day have the tape of that meeting as my PROOF of WHAT GOD SAID TO ME THAT NIGHT!! If you continue reading, I TELL YOU NOW, THE TRUTH OF GOD MAY JUST SET YOU FREE as YOU SEE HOW HIS WORDS forever CHANGED MY LIFE for the BETTER!!
I stood there frozen in almost disbelief as this man of God started telling me what God was showing him about my LIFE. NO ONE and I mean NO ONE knew about my late night talks with God. NO ONE KNEW that I CRIED MYSELF TO SLEEP many nights asking GOD WHY I WAS THE WAY I AM!!! The prophet looked me in the eyes and began telling me how GOD had seen my tears, how GOD had been there listening to me every night of my life to that point, begging HIM to change me. He said to me, son, you are exactly how GOD made you. God does not make mistakes. GOD loves you just as you are right now. At this time I could no longer hold back the tears. I was finally being comforted by the GOD who had created me with HIS unconditional love and acceptance. I was NOT an outcast or pervert or a disgrace. I was truly a CHILD OF GOD. He went on to tell me about how GOD had called me to be a GOOD SHEPHERD, a keeper of the sheep {HIS CHILDREN}, the one who goes out after the lost sheep. I knew this of course because I had felt that call on my life for a long time. He went on to say that I would be the GOOD SHEPHERD of people who were JUST LIKE ME. AWE yes, but, there always seems to be a “but” when GOD wants to mold you. He told me that in order to be that GOOD SHEPHERD that GOD was calling me to be; I would first have to EXPERIENCE everything that people like me EXPERIENCE. These were the people that had been rejected by the “CHURCH” for being like me. Wow, what a heavy burden was starting to lift. Then he said that I would go through a “WILDERNESS” period of unknown time {16+ years}, during which I would wonder away and ask GOD where He was, even though He was there all the time carrying me through those years. He then said something that I thought I would never forgot. It would not be until years down the road that this would happen so I eventually forgot about it. He said that I would know that my “WILDERNESS” period was almost up, when I looked up to the Heavens and said “THIS TOO GOD, REALLY, THIS TOO”. That was a night to remember for sure. He told me that this “Wilderness” period would not be an easy experience, however he reassured me God would have His hand on my life.
Several years past and I was ministering and laying hands on people even in the bars. OMG, you cannot do that in bars, you may be saying to yourself, but GOD will use you anywhere when you are devoted to LISTENING to His voice. Word had gotten out that David, who sat in the far backroom of this one bar in particular had supernatural powers. Of course I DID NOT have supernatural powers, I had a SUPERNATURAL BEING using me as an instrument for HIS GLORY. God performed many miracles in that little old bar in the panhandle of Texas.
I won’t bore you with all the nasty details of what my life became over the next several years. Let me just say, if it were not for God carrying me through I would be dead by now. I will tell you that I was in a “BAD” three year relationship that ended badly. After that I moved back to Oklahoma from Texas. So yes, my one and only Ex lived in Texas. Just a little humor I like to throw out there sometimes. My Ex passed away in 2010 so I no longer have any ex’s living, however I have a wonderful life partner of 20+ years that has loved me through all the hard times.
In 1996, I moved home after being gone for three years. I was only home a short time before I met my spouse. We have been through so much together I could write a whole book about it, but I digress. So at this time I am still going through the “WILDERNESS” asking GOD if I am ever going to get through. Well, in 2007 I heard from GOD again. Scott and I were going through some tough financial times and we had no food to eat and I asked God for food. A friend of mine came by one day and said let me take you to a place where you can get some food. I had told no one about my need for food except God. So they took me to a place in Midwest City ran by Meadow Wood Baptist Church. I was so ashamed and did not want to be there. I thought I was at the lowest point in my life at that time. I did not think my life could sink any lower than the bottom of the barrel. There I was at this Food Bank ran by a Baptist Church. I was nervous because I had never seen myself getting to this point in life. My friend reassured me it was going to be okay and that sometimes people need a little help in life and that it was no big deal.
The time came, my name was called and off I went to a little small office at the end of a long hallway. Not really what I was expecting. The Elder Lady was so sweet and reassuring that everything was going to be alright. I had no problem with this because I love to talk about God. She said they like to make sure they minister to the spirit of a person as well as give them food. She said they usually ask people if they are saved, but then she paused. She put her fragile little hand on my knee and a huge smile came on her face. She said, “Son I can tell you are a man of GOD, a Good Shepherd.” NOT what I was expecting to hear. She said, “You were called from a very young age to be in the ministry.” I shook my head yes as tears began to well up in my eyes. With a sweet smile on her face she said so gently to me, “hold on a minute and she looked up at the ceiling.” With the sweetest voice she said, “Okay God I will tell him”. What? I thought only EVANGELICALS heard from GOD, I was taught that Baptist do not do that. Boy was I taught wrong. She looked back at me and began to speak in that same sweet voice. She said, “Do you remember back when GOD told you HE was calling you to be a “GOOD SHEPHERD”? I nodded as the tears were flowing so diligently now. She continued, “you know the “Wilderness Period” God told you several years ago that you we going to go through?” I just nodded because I could not speak. I was so overcome with joy and the presence of God. She continued, “Son God wants me to tell you that you’re “WILDERNESS” is almost over". Then a tear came into her eye as she said, “however you have ONE more thing to go through and it is NOT going to be easy. But know this my son, when you go through it "YOU WILL LOOK UP TO THE HEAVENS and SAY – THIS TOO GOD, REALLY, THIS TOO.” I was sobbing by this time. It was such a joyous thing to hear that GOD was REAFFIRMING through this stranger that I WAS ON THE RIGHT TRACK!!! For so many years I thought God has turned His back on me and all that time He was holding me in His tender care. I left that place that day with not only food for our nourishment; I left with a joyous heart, knowing that GOD was still on the THRONE looking out for me.
About a year went by with nothing more said or even thought, about what she had said to me and what had already been said to me so many years before. Around Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays in November/December 2008, my spouse and I broke up for about three/four months. It was all my doing because I did not think I wanted to be in a relationship anymore. I did things in that three/four month period that I would soon come to regret for the rest of my life. I can tell you now that if it had not been for GOD looking out for me, the love of my life NOT giving up on me, my parents loving me through it all, and my wonderful support group of friends, I would be dead.
In May of 2009 I got a call from one of the guys I had seen during that three months. He told me that I needed to be tested for HIV. I felt such heaviness come over me, but I thought to myself it is just a test to prove I was Negative. So on May 28, 2009 I went in for a HIV test. I remember sitting there waiting for the results talking to the young lady as if I were going to get a negative result. Then she asked me a question that shook me back into reality. She asked me what I would do if I found out I was Positive for HIV. I told her kind of laughing it off that I would just go on with my life. At exactly 10:15 am I was given the BLOW of my LIFE – I WAS INDEED HIV POSITIVE. She kept asking if I was alright and I said sure I just want to go home. After about 15 minutes of her probing me with questions to make sure I was okay and not going to harm myself or someone else, she let me leave. My life was never going to be the same after that day.
So on May 28, 2009, I sat on my front porch feeling ashamed, hurt, lonely, scared, and mad all at the same time. The more I thought about those words {YOU ARE POSITIVE} the angrier I became. And right there on my front porch I dropped to my knees, I looked up to the heavens, and I YELLED – “THIS TOO GOD, REALLY THIS TOO”!!
At that very moment I was overcome with joy that far outweighed the anger, the hate, the shame, and the hurt that was piercing me to the core. I knelt there crying tears of joy, not over the fact that I had just found out I was HIV POSITIVE, but joy in the FACT that my “WILDERNESS” was almost over.
God has really been working on me the several years of my life. My spouse and I have renewed our commitment to each other. I have actually grown to love him more than I ever had before, because he has actually shown me TRUE – UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. I have been so blessed to have such a wonderful partner that loves the LORD as much as I do. God has been using me through my illness to reach out and help others through that rough time of learning you are HIV POSITIVE. God has been taking all the NEGATIVE things I have gone through the past 20+ years of my life and I am actually using those things as POSITIVE things to help others through the tough times in their lives.
I know it is so hard for “EVANGELICAL CHRISTIANS” to understand how GOD can LOVE and USE someone from the LGBTQ community to show others in the LGBTQ community how much HE LOVES THEM and ACCEPTS them JUST AS HE MADE THEM. It is however a FACT not only in my LIFE, but in the lives of those GOD chose before me to do HIS WORK.
It is time the “CHURCH” itself wakes up and learns the truth about all those “SCRIPTURES” they try to use to condemn the LGBT community. It is time the “CHURCH” actually LISTENS for the voice of GOD and start acting like HIS CHILDREN. When you actually SHUT UP and be still before GOD, HE will reveal HIMSELF to you for who HE is and not what MANKIND has taught you to believe about GOD. Praise GOD that I AM A CHILD of THE MOST HIGH and I AM BLESSED and HIGHLY FAVORED. I will FOREVER be in the SERVICE of the MOST HIGH GOD.
The GOD who created this world is THE GOD I have chosen to follow for the REST of MY LIFE. I will DO what HE has called me to do. HIS will for ALL HIS CHILDREN is that they be VESSELS of HONOR for HIM. I will continue to spread the GOOD NEWS of the GOSPEL to all the WORLD including the LGBTQ CHILDREN of GOD that have been shunned by the “TRADITIONAL CHURCH”.
May the ONE TRUE GOD bless each of you and help you to humble yourself before HIM so HE can TEACH you the TRUTH about who HE IS!!
It is my prayer that, ALL who read my story, will come to know GOD and how much HE loves you. God’s gift to you for coming to know Him as your personal Savior is ETERNAL LIFE. The joy of the Lord truly has become my strength. May the sweet peace of GOD rest upon you today and everyday you bask in His LOVE!!
If you need prayer for anything in your life or you have a prayer request you would like others to agree with you about, please visit my prayer page. I post inspirational quotes, pictures and songs on this site. Along with others around the world, I join with them believing for miracles in people’s lives. GOD is still on the THRONE and HE HONORS HIS WORD. We are told in scripture to join together in agreement and Jesus will be there with us to perform greater things than even He did when He walked the earth. We have seen a lot of miracles in our group. GOD ANSWERS PRAYERS when we take time to give HIM PRAISE.
I want to leave you with a word from GOD:
“Study and do your
best to present yourself to God approved, a workman [tested by trial]
who has no reason to be ashamed, accurately handling and skillfully teaching the word of truth.”
2 Timothy 2:15 (AMP)
Blessings and Peace,
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.