HIV And The 5 Stages of Grief

August 20, 2016 by Tanner White

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Finding out that you are HIV positive is more times than not a very difficult process for someone to go through. When you are sitting there with the doctor, I guarantee that most are hit by a wave of shock at the information that we are being told. Not only are we told about our HIV status, but we are given tons of information to try and process while being ushered through the initial diagnosis process of gathering information about previous sex partners, as well as general information on what is required of us for our future health. After the initial shock, we start going through stages of grief that accompany all seemingly devastating events in our life. Keep in mind that not everyone goes through the same grieving process, this is only the most common process that we as individuals go through.

Denial is a part of the grieving process and is normally, although not always, the first stage that we go through. Generally, denial is accompanied by a sense of numbness and shock. Although we feel a sense of numbness along with our denial we shouldn’t mistake it for an attitude of not-caring, as I have seen many individuals do. Going through this stage is a way of protecting us from the complete impact that the news of our diagnosis causes. We feel as though we are in a dream-like state throughout the process and begin to question our reality. I have personally told myself multiple times that my diagnosis was just a dream that I would eventually wake up from, and that there was no possible way for me to have contracted HIV. Slowly, as time passes, we begin to wake up from the numbness and denial.

As we wake up from the denial stage of our grieving process, we will begin to ask ourselves “why”. This is the first part of the anger stage. At first going through this stage, I blamed the guy who gave me the virus. I was angry that I wasn’t told about his status, and I was angry that he didn’t insist on using protection. Then as I progressed through the phase, my anger turned away from the man who infected me, and instead, focused on myself. I was the one who let this happen, and I was the one who should have known better than to have unprotected sex.

After going through our anger stage in the grieving process, we enter into the bargaining phase. For me, this meant pleading with God, or whatever higher power that is out there, to make this right for me. I swore that I would become a better Christian and a man of God if this virus and diagnosis would just go away. This is the stage where you begin to try and make whatever is causing you grief go away by trying to bargain with a higher power, or even asking questions dealing with “what if” factors. Slowly but surely, we graduate out of the anger phase and continue our journey down the road of grief.

Depression is perhaps the worst stage of grief that you go through, and I can attest that it was most definitely my hardest to get past. For me, this is where I began feeling completely hopeless. I was hit hard by my diagnosis, and didn’t think I would be able to continue moving forward in life. I even began thinking of suicide. I withdrew from my friends and only showed up to work because I was required to, and even participated at minimal effort. Depression brought on a profound sense of grief, desperation, and empty feelings that I felt would never go away. This stage definitely lasted the longest for me, and there were times when I was certain that I was through it and finally alright with my diagnosis and then it would be time for a medical evaluation, or someone would bring it up, and all of the pain would come back. This stage lasted for the better part of a year for me.

Finally, after going through what I would chalk up to being one of the worst experiences of my life, I made it to complete acceptance of my HIV diagnosis. Reaching this stage is like taking a breath of fresh air after competing in an underwater breath holding competition. It isn’t necessarily that I came to enjoy my diagnosis, but more as if I finally came to terms with it and accepted that it will be with me for the rest of my life. I still would trade my diagnosis for a completely HIV free life any day, however I am no longer fighting against the notion of acceptance.

Most people go through the 5 stages of grieving after facing a significant event that creates loss, however everyone is different and some people may not experience the stages the same, or even experience this same grief process. Going through this process is a completely normal process that naturally helps people deal with feelings of loss. From the beginning stage of denial all the way through to acceptance can be a long road for some, but with time, education, and the proper support it is completely possible to make it through the entire process and emerge with a positive outlook on your diagnosis! Remember as you go through these stages that you are not alone in your diagnosis, because I, along with thousands of others, have been right there in your same position. Remember to look back at the stories of those positive individuals who are going through the same experiences!

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